I have never hidden the fact that I struggle with mental illness. I have struggled with various issues since childhood. The labels don't matter as much as the suffering they cause, but officially I have OCD, ADHD (Co-occuring with Oppositional Defiant Disorder), Body Dysmorphic Disorder, and I am in recovery (10 + years) from Bulimia.
It's a mouthful isn't?
I think the labels are a way to neatly and clinically describe the symptoms of what is actually a living hell. I don't actually own my own mind, it takes off without me and it travels to very dark places. I am helplessly along for the ride. Every once in a while we make a stop at the bottom, and I feel like I am there now.
I made a novice mistake when it comes to dealing with mental illness. I decided it would be okay to reduce my medication. I've been ok for a long time and with a rational and medicated brain I could see ways to battle the illness without so many drugs. I should know by now that the unmedicated brain is incapable of the same rationale. The first few weeks went fine. SSRIs take a while to leave the system, the effects can stay with you for weeks or months giving the illusion that you are doing well with no medication. I know this. I still convinced myself that even if symptoms returned that I would be able to handle it.
Well, I can't.
My illness has hijacked my brain again and my thoughts are no longer my own. The voice, reduced to a whisper with my medication, is screaming at me relentlessly now. It's not an audible voice like psychotic people hear. I know there is no literal monster within. It's still soul-crushing, a flood of self depricating thoughts designed to tear away at my already fragile self-esteem... "You're a terrible mother... you're fat and lazy... why can't you do this right? ...do this or else...
Do this or else. That's how OCD works.
Do this or else you are failure. Do this or else you will get sick and die. Do this or else you are lazy. Do this or something bad could happen. If you refuse to listen to the demands you are wrought with crippling anxiety and self-doubt. If you are well versed in CBT techniques like I am then you begin to obsessively analyze the thoughts and try to mentally combat them. It's exhausting. There is a war going on inside.. You vs. You and it's a battle to death. All while you are trying to convince everyone else you aren't a complete failure (OCD is behind you the whole time telling you if people really knew you, then they'd hate you too.) Do everything you are supposed to do. Do it better than you are supposed to. Go the extra mile. Don't falter. Don't be weak.
Well, I'm weak.
We are all weak at some point. No one's psyche is bullet-proof. I've been unable to manage this on my own. I can't "snap out of it" and my ability to think those positive thoughts are what this disease takes from me. I really can't fight it. the fight is what is draining me right now.
I have to accept the thoughts as part of the disorder. They lose their power if I don't try so hard to prove them wrong. I have to take my medication and deal with the side effects. Jaw clenching, shakes, and reduced libido are terrible... but nothing compared to losing your mind completely. I have to claw my way out of this hole I've inadvertently dug for myself.
